To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
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So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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