I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
