My cat gives me a boner
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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