Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
