No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
