I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
