"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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