ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
