She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
