a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
All I want is dick and wine.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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