I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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