Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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