Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Can I color on your dick again?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
