remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
wanna go halves on a baby?
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
