It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
