Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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