i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
