I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
