You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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