genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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