NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
