Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
