Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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