Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
