She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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