I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
