I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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