brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
