im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
