I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
