Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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