i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
