and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
