I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i dont even know how to be here
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
