Christians are straight up FREAKS
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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