Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
