false alarm. still invincible.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
