Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
