Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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