Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
