Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize