he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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