i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
