We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Can't talk, ducks in the car
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
