Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
