I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
