: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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