I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
