I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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