I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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