this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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