Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
