There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
