my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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