So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
