there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
