she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
