omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
