I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
